How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Can you bring me the toilet please
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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