Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Randomize
