UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
