OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
