guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
