Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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