The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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