Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
