Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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