Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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