Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
