Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize