Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
