I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
