it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
