shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
