I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
