woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
