In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
