it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
