my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
