just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
