I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
