dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
