Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
