haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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