Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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