Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
