My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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