I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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