I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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