Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
