You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
