Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
