I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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