Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
