The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
