Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize