so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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