and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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