You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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