I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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