A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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