I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
