we're chasing vodka with high fives
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
