I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
