I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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