I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
