had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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