I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
