6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
