I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Someone came in the potted fern
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
