I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize