I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
