How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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