How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
