No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
