You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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