oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Panties = found
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
