I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
